This WAS about affordable weddings, BUT...

I was asked why don't I do this blog like I do the other two blogs...

And it was not hard for me to answer that question with another question, one which sounded like "Yeah...why DON'T I turn it into one of THOSE blogs already?"

There are a lot of websites around that give people advice as to how to save money, and those kinds of things are and should be reserved for those who have nothing but time and patience to shop all day. I am not that person anymore. I have given myself all the time that I need in order to become all the advice-giving-clue-having-no-crap-taking-feminist-mom-healer-wedding-minister-person type human being that I need to be, and it was without hesitation that I would take this time to do exactly what it is that I do anyway but in this case it is specifically for those who are getting married very soon, or maybe even not that soon.

I get a whole LOT of questions, mostly about the human nature part of relationships, particularly about those between men and women, and most of those ones about marriage and how things fall apart. This is not the way that I like to do things, the falling apart part, but my thought is that if I can reach just one couple and plant the seed in their heads that you get to do your life your combined way, then I have done my job, not only as a person ordained to perform marriages, but more, as the healer that I am in my daily practice. 

I was asked to write it, not because people need to get a clue, but marrying people need to have one walking into it...hence, this is FOR THOSE ABOUT TO WALK...down the aisle, that is.

And yes, of course, these things which I will write about also could and most of the time will apply to the rest of the humans on the planet as well.

The wedding is only a tiny part of the marriage

Weddings are, by and large and as long as someone's drunken auntie does not make an ass of herself, a whole lot of fun! Come on! You know they are! You get to dress up (ok, sometimes you don't have to dress up, at least when I am who is performing the ceremony, but that is neither here nor there right now.). You get to eat free. You get to drink free. You get to do a whole lot with lots of people, some who you know, and many who you don't, and at the end of it all, the thing that is changed is not only the bride's last name.

What once applied to two separate people now applies to one couple, and what used to be your last name is now your "maiden name," and what used to be your life is now still your life but is now shared with someone who might not realize just how irritating it is for someone else to replace the toilet paper roll the wrong way. (There is no wrong way, by the way...just sayin'...) He who used to be a bachelor is now a husband. She who used to be a nice young lady is now some dude's 'old lady.' Clearly, just from what has been shown to you here is a lot more than a whole lot of words which apply to two people, and these whole lot of words carry a whole lot of meaning and bring with them a change in the energies within a person simply and only from thinking about this paragraph on its own, let alone all of the other things that go on within a marriage that is brand new. 

The wedding, kids, is only one part of the entirety of the whole. The wedding is that one last party, the last hurrah, even as it is the first party that you and your beloved will throw for what is now your combined bunch of people who, at one time was "his" and "hers" but is now "ours." 

When you think about that thought for a minute, and you wrap your head around it enough to where it won't make your brain freeze up like a Facebook site update, it hits us each like a two ton load of bricks to know that this coming Friday evening, there will be an entire population of women who are known as "The Bride to Be," who will, on that very next day, no longer be the bride-to-be, but will, at one point in the day, BE the bride and a very short time after that will be Mrs. Newlywed.

Kind of a big fat thought, right? 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Is it respect, or honor, or Love which we each crave?

"Well, DUH!" exclaimed the snarky minister, dressed in her best Metallica T-shirt and very faded skinny jeans, hair, arms thrown up into the air as though it would make the statement any clearer that "indeed, Love, it is not Respect OR anything, but Respect, period, along with honor and Love...duh!"

I have found that within the minds of the marrying there are questions, questions, questions about whether or not they will get along, whether or not they will get along with each others' families after the pageantry, and after all the loveliness of that one very special day has become something committed to the memories not only of the couple, but also of all their guests. This is the part that not a lot of people take for granted. Too many people believe that these are just nice words that all ministers say, but this is not the truth. These vows, these nice words are ages...GENERATIONS old and while they are still part of the ceremony, many, many ministers, including this one, have changed the way that the vows are read because the way that they are usually set up makes me think of a pirate who has literally "taken" a bride, tied her to some part of his boat, and forced her to say these things and mean them in front of the ship's clergy so that he can, very truly, take her as his wife. This denotes that she is his property. I ask anyone reading this who really wants to think of their partner as property?

Who really wants to have that kind of responsibility - the responsibility of ownership when in reality there is no one being owned and no dowry being traded. 

To Love, Honor and Respect means a whole lot to a whole lot of different people, but the bottom line in all of this is that these things apply to both the bride and the groom and these are things that a whole lot of people have never really thought about. No one getting married really thinks about the vows that they take until they happen upon their very first argument and the woman in the typical marriage is the one who ends up in tears, reminding her once-upon-a-time guy that he vowed to Love, Honor and Cherish her, but that he also told her in those vows that he would respect her.

When he doesn't it proves to her what her parents told her, what her mother showed her, which, if you thought about it on the whole, there is a whole population of women who are divorced who now are that way because they did not realize that they get to make the rules now. That's right - the rules by which you both shall love, live, and be like are yours to make and yours to keep, forever and ever, amen.

Seriously. For real - it's your show, and no one else's. This is the part that not a lot of people want to accept, namely the parents of the bride. I know this. I was this bride-turned-abuse-survivor. That is what this particular blog really is about - staying sane when the wedded bliss is more like a wedded bleh! And those days will happen. You will fight - and do I mean a LOT, and it is because there is a constant power struggle, at least in most unions, even in these times when it seems like it should not be this way. Too many people still listen to advice that might have applied to a lot of other unions between men and their wives, and too many people see other peoples' marriages through and with their own marriage dearly in mind and while what we are told is the absolute truth of things, the bottom line is that the things that used to apply a lot of years ago cannot apply now. Things are very different now.

Things are very different now

Marriages these days are no longer "for the farm," like they were generations ago, when people married young, raised families - large families - very young, and it is because back in the day before cars and before women had the right to speak up without garnering the chance at also being beaten for speaking out of turn, people married younger because the life expectancy was not as great as it is now. People had great big families then because there were family farms to tend to and it made sense to bring your own farm hands into the world.

Today, though, things are markedly different. Today there are things called equality, and today there are men who get married to men, women who get married to women, men who are thirty years older than their brides, and women who are twenty years older than their grooms. Today, there are women CEOs and today there are men who stay home with the kids to raise said such woman's children while said woman goes out into the world to collect the sustenance to provide for the family who she made with the man who stays home and does what was primarily women's work back in the day. Today women are respected as equal partners, and today, men are not thought of as being creepy and macho because today we just seem not to want to deal with what was because what was no longer applies.

Am I saying that we women need to assert ourselves more in our marriages? Not if you don't have to, and if you feel like you have to then it is time to ask yourself a couple of questions with the first one being thought of as "why did he not behave this way before I married him?" and he might ask "What happened to that gentle creature who I fell in love with and why is she not letting me be the way that I was to her when we first started dating?"

Well, you, oh bride to be, were so blinded by what you wanted that you told yourself and lied to you about what the reality was of him, and without bothering then to question yourself then about it, you somehow, and on some level, decided that you would be able to settle for it this one time, all in the name of Love. And you, Mr. IamthemanIamtheman (gotta love Anthrax, right?) ...you were SO busy trying to not let all the guys in your life think that somehow you have become pansy-fied in your ways that you allowed someone else's thoughts and someone else's beliefs about you become the thing that has caused you to behave like a moron.

It is very simple. 

When we think about things in the manner that is the question "How would I want to be treated?" and we are willing to NOT see our beloved as the only person on the planet whose opinion of us matters, and when we are willing to not settle for being treated as though the other person who we have placed atop a pedestal can finally come back to earth from the Land of Ego, and when everyone can remember and make it a habit to not ever slip into the idea that we are more important than anyone else is and that we have to be the most important person in the person who we married's life is, and when we can accept that we cannot have our way all the time, and when we can accept that this other person is someone who, just like us, has their own thought about everything and we can bother to have some respect for them and who they truly are....

...this is when we have the key to a happy, long marriage.

I Promise...

ROX

Reverend Roxanne Cottell is the Kumu Hula and Creator of the Healing with Hula Program for Women and the Co-Founder of Na Hula O Ka Wahine 'Ui - The Sisterhood of The Soul. She is a blogger, book author, choreographer , Public Speaker, Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse Survivors Advocate and Spiritual Coach. If you would like to contact her for speaking engagements, Spiritual Consultations, Book a Wedding or for anything else, please send an email to reverendroxie22@gmail.com 
(c)  Roxanne K. Cottell. All Rights Reserved

Cheap-Ass Tip : You're only wearing it one time....

Wedding Gowns ...ugh !

A beautiful gown does not have to cost an arm, a leg and the first born child of your first born child. Here are some things to remember when you are shopping for yours !

Everyone loves a beautiful bride, and in the years that I have performed weddings for marrying folks the one question I am asked the most is where the intended and impending bride-to-be should go shopping for her gown.

The fact of the matter is that you are only wearing that dress one time, and unless you have a daughter or if your future children will include one, the idea of anyone spending THOUSANDS on a dress that she will wear ONE TIME just makes my brain itch. I have a few thoughts, and you might balk at them, but if what you want is a wedding that is both perfect AND affordable, the other idea is that you might not think that my ideas are such a wash...here they are...

My first thought is The Thrift Store...yes, the thrift store, and it is because you can get a gorgeous gown with a lot of ugly little beads on it, take it to your friend who is a seamstress, and you and that friend can rework the way the gown looks with a few alterations. While it might seem like the ultimate in Cheap-Assedness, it will save a whole lot of money and will whittle the time seeking out the perfect dress if you could see the possibilities. A lot of the time, what we see in the bridal mags are mainly dresses that are newly designed and created for those brides who can totally afford taking out a loan in order to buy it!

The Second thought that I have is to go to the downtown Los Angeles clothing district, because that is where a LOT of those "loans for a one time wearin' it" type dresses will be found, and in that case, it won't be thousands but actually hundreds of dollars.

The Third is Recycler.com, craigslist.org, and of course, Ebay.com - buy your dress online...and while I get it that this can be dangerous in that it might be too small (yikes) or too big (not as yikes) you can refer to the first thought, back to that friend who is handy-dandy on a sewing machine.

The Fourth? Of course !! That same friend...you know the one...she is awesome on a sewing machine, and she is going to charge you a whole lot less than will anyone else who is NOT your friend. This is not you being cheap...okay, maybe a little, but in reality, cheaper is smarter, and smarter means that you have saved some money. If you have a friend who is an amazing seamstress - pay them for making your dress. The two of you will have a great time designing or reworking the pattern and buying the fabric that you find together, and more than that, you will have a great memory of a precious friend who became a permanent part of your special day.

No one likes to think about low-balling the money spent on the day that will change your life forever. At the same time, you cannot have an affordable wedding if you are willing to save on everything BUT the dress. Wedding planning is not a simple task, and planning an affordable wedding is not any easier. However, when thinking in terms of how long one plans to wear this dress as opposed to all of the other more wonderful things that the money saved on the dress can be spent on -perhaps a tropical honeymoon?- the dress seems to pale in comparison. When you look back ten or twenty years from now, and you look in the closet, at the box where the dress that got worn one time will remain, and then realize that you could have saved a LOT of money if you would have thought of your other options, somehow it makes it seem a lot less important that the dress is more expensive than it is beautiful.

Beauty is created and shared, and should not cost a minimum of your first born's first born child...

Just sayin' !

Happy Nuttiness~!
Reverend Roxie


Reverend Roxanne K. Cottell is a Southern California Native with Hawaiian Roots and a Penchant for all things hula and all things rock and roll. If what you are looking for is a whole lot of fun and not a lot of drama for you and your guests, Rev. Roxie and her Minions can help you come up with the most affordable wedding that you can all think of...and she can even get an actual ROCK BAND to your nuptials that DOESN'T SUCK !!! You can hit her up by sending an email to her. Please visit her website...and of course - there is a page in her site that is all about AFFORDABLE WEDDINGS THAT DO NOT SUCK !

Cheap-Ass Tip: It ain't just a wedding - it's a celebration.

A wedding should be a celebration...complete with all the (cheap-ass) trimmings!

There is no rule that states that any wedding has to cost the couple and their family an arm and a leg...in fact, there is nothing and no law stating that it even has to be a traditional event !

I am not one for the idea that everything in the business of marryin' folks is static, that it is all set in stone and has to be boring and reverent and serene. Most of the people for whom I have officiated their wedding all say the same thing - mine are celebratory rather than traditional affairs. Seeing as how the world has somehow gone from doing only the "til death do ye part" to the other side, to the other extreme, where some places are legally recognizing LGBT unions as actual marriages (I see them this way, by the way...Love knows no color or gender...as it should be...damned State of California...come on, guys !! Lighten Up! It's just LOVE!! Duh!), I thought that there should be a post that is about having a great wedding that is more a party and that won't cost an arm, a leg or that first born of the first born child.

Let's do some thinkin', shall we?

You can save a whole lot of time and patience if you combine your event. When you combine the ceremony AND the reception, meaning that rather than walking the aisle of some big fat imposing church, have yourself a merry little nuptial and do it up cheap-ass style...by having your minister (hint hint) do the ceremony in the place the reception is to be held AND rather than having your guests sit, they surround the couple...like a tribal thing...you're smart...I'm sure you can envision what I am talking about. For real...you do NOT have to do anything in a manner that is not your style and not the style that is someone else's.

Yup, I said it, now deal with it. There is not one thing essentially wrong with doing this...this backyard party style wedding...I do them ALL THE TIME.

My thought about this is that you can have the most lovely bridal gown, along with the not-so-lovely bridesmaids dresses, and you can rent a big fat church, hire a stuffy minister, hire a really BAD caterer who will treat your guests like jerks, a bartender who is only there for the tips and a DJ who plays old 80's hip hop...

...and you can end up being very unhappy with your ceremony.

Or, you can do both at the same time, save the money you would spend on all those things that are only ceremony related, get yourselves hitched in what I have lovingly referred to and will now use as an example as being the greatest phenomena known to the marrying cheap-asses of the world....yup...backyard party style weddings...and not the kind that suck, not the kind that is potluck - no, no!! We are not going THAT cheap...even I have my standards haha! I think you can totally understand what I am saying!

HOWEVER...

...thinking in terms of having a totally awesome time at your own shin-dig , you want to be able to relax, and you want your guests to have fun, and more than anything, you want people to recall it as being a great time. IF this is what you are after, then all you really need to do is think beyond the Sanctuary walls (and believe me there are likely not a lot of folks who would tell you differently about how much I LOVE ANY Sanctuary...hey...me and Spirit have to meet at her house sometime, you know...just sayin'). By this I mean that you have got to think outside the box and you have got to shed the idea that what was, as far as ceremonies and nuptials in general go, no longer is.

And what is in its place, or at least in my neck of the woods, are those nuptials which combine the ceremony with the reception. Yes...you read that correctly - combine the ceremony with the reception by holding the ceremony in the place where you intend to party AFTER the ceremony. It is not so odd, and is not something that has never been done. It is just something that not a lot of people in the industry cares to think about because the truth is that marrying and getting married is big business. My thought is that you can do as great a job at planning an actual Wedding Party that will not call for your guests to wear anything that was bought off of a rack and instead allows them to come to a backyard barbecue complete with bubble machine and bounce house ...

It's all in how you think of things, really...do you want to throw an overpriced gala affair that everyone will be talking about as having been said such thing...or...do you want an affordable wedding where not only were you able to hang with your guests, but was a celebration that was both kid and groom/guy friendly?

Seems like a pretty easy answer to me...
Just sayin'!

Happy Nuttiness
Reverend Roxie

Reverend Roxanne K. Cottell is a Southern California Native with Hawaiian Roots and a Penchant for all things hula and all things rock and roll. If what you are looking for is a whole lot of fun and not a lot of drama for you and your guests, Rev. Roxie and her Minions can help you come up with the most affordable wedding that you can all think of...and she can even get an actual ROCK BAND to your nuptials that DOESN'T SUCK !!! You can hit her up by sending an email to her. Please visit her website...and of course - there is a page in her site that is all about AFFORDABLE WEDDINGS THAT DO NOT SUCK !

Cheap-Ass Tip : You can Fake it if YOU Make it !

Affordable Wedding Tip...Perfect weddings can also be Affordable Weddings

Every Bride to Be dreams of the perfect wedding, and almost never does  the thought in her head or do the words "Perfect Wedding" and "Affordable Wedding" ever thought of as one and the same.

If there is one thing that irritates any person planning a wedding it is the thought that there must be an exorbitant amount of money spent on the entirety of the whole thing. This is not the truth. An affordable wedding does not automatically mean that the event will somehow be way, way "ghettofied." Such is not the case. There are a whole lot of different ways to save money for your big day and not all of them are cheap-ass to the point that your guests can see just how cheap-ass you really went with your own wedding.

The truth is that there is not a bride on the planet whose last name does not start with "K" and end with "ardashian" who would not love to be able to have an affordable wedding that will also be her dream wedding. With a lot of creativity, a few friends who are willing to help, family members who can offer accommodations, etc., etc., your affordable wedding can rival the most inspired and creative and yes - expensive - weddings anyone has even known about.

You do not have to be a "coupon bride," but it does help, and the truth is that no one is going to look down on you or think of you as being a cheap-ass, and even more than that, the truth, too, is that unless someone else other than you is willing to foot the bill for whatever it is that they are suggesting (but most certainly are NOT going to offer to pay for...I PROMISE), they need to shut the hell up and let you do your thing already. (After all, you are a big girl who managed to get to the point in your life where a fully grown adult male...or female...proposed to you...that means that you are likely wearing your proverbial "big-girl panties.")

Having an affordable wedding is not impossible. It really only takes some planning and some creativity and sometimes a little bit of elbow grease, but there really is not a whole lot standing in the way of any bride-to-be to have her dream wedding as long as she is willing to put some time in for research for perusing the internet for sites like her local freecycle, for clipping mad coupons on Sunday (Michael's Arts and Crafts stores usually have a nationwide weekly ad that offers up to 40% or 50% of the price of one item- and usually it is the most expensive item you are purchasing), for whom it is not that big of a deal to go to yard sales and garage sales, to the thrift store, realizing that there is a whole lot of magic that can happen with some baubles and beads and a can of spray paint...and let us NOT forget about your auntie's yard for all of those flowers!  

Again...no reason any marrying couple cannot have the most beautiful AND affordable wedding that they and those they love can create...takes a little time, patience and a LOT of creativity, but it is totally possible to do it! 

Happy Nuttiness !!!

Reverend Roxie

Reverend Roxanne K. Cottell is a Southern California Native with Hawaiian Roots and a Penchant for all things hula and all things rock and roll. If what you are looking for is a whole lot of fun and not a lot of drama for you and your guests, Rev. Roxie and her Minions can help you come up with the most affordable wedding that you can all think of...and she can even get an actual ROCK BAND to your nuptials that DOESN'T SUCK !!! You can hit her up by sending an email to her. Please visit her website...and of course - there is a page in her site that is all about AFFORDABLE WEDDINGS THAT DO NOT SUCK !